August 16, 2017 would have been birthday 66 for Dan

When planning our wedding day, we chose August 17, 1974, because it was on a Saturday and it was a day after Dan's birthday.  I always told him that, if I was able to remember his birthday, then he had NO EXCUSE but to remember our anniversary.  That worked for fifteen years, until his traumatic brain injury changed him and took many of his short term memories and some of the long term ones, as well.

So many things are going through my head while I'm on this personal journey, but I believe that I'm experiencing just the things that I came all this way to find.  When I began, I knew that I had to be by myself and I had to be close to where Dan lived the last years of his life.

A few months ago, I read (and you know you can't believe everything that you read) that the difference between meditation and praying is this:  In meditation a person tries to stop the thoughts from coming into your mind.  The person meditating makes an "oom" sound and in that way, can not receive thoughts.

With prayer, the person praying pulls thoughts into their mind so that they can process them, give them to God or file them away for future reference.

There is no way that I have to know if this was correct, although it seemed reasonable to me.  But I do know that trying to keep all the thoughts out of my head over the last three days would have caused a pressure build up surrounding the outside of my brain that might have crushed my skull.

I also know that if I listen and receive the thoughts, I can sometimes hear God's Word for my soul.  But, I sure have to listen carefully.

I am so appreciative of my family and want each of you to know how much I am grateful for you allowing me this pilgrimage.  Even though this is a personal trip, my immediate family has shown in their own ways how they are supporting me and truly that I am important to them.

I know that it is not easy to be without me for a week.  (cough cough)  I also know that while I'm away, I remain in your thoughts and prayers.  I'm doing well and will see you soon.

Yesterday, I started my day with coffee and the most delicious omelet, made to order just for me. I had a side order of link sausage a dish of watermelon and I took the muffin back to my room for a late night snack.  Normally, I have a couple pieces of cinnamon toast and a cup of coffee.  Then, after breakfast, God provided someone to "nourish my soul".

You see, for the past 28 years, as of August 23, the night of my first husband's brain injury, I have had a number of crises.  One would think that a spouses brain injury might be enough for anyone, but even after that there was the fact of my single parenthood with all its many joys.  There was trying to maintain the life of a doomed retail business that I had started a year after graduation from high school.  I was also working forty hours a week at a job that gave me a paycheck for "luxuries like food and clothes" and then a bankruptcy and a near foreclosure on the house we lived in for 25+ years, as well as, moving from that house to "downsize" which really meant tearing the tapestry of our family life to pieces.

The last seven years, thanks to my incredible husband, Steve, has been a time for me to take a rest.  There were no more emergency to emergency times in my life and if something came up, he was there as a sounding block to help me process through whatever it was.  Also, he is very generous in allowing me to journey back to the place of my first husband's birth and death.  I believe that Steve "saved my life".

So, people could say that I might be bitter because of all these things.  But I'm not.  God helps pull me out of some valleys and just yesterday morning I'm sure it was God who sent a little message for me.

Do you remember that maid, from my post on Aug. 15, who forgot to empty the trash in the bathroom which gave me complimentary breakfasts?  Well, her name is Jean and I met her yesterday morning as she came in to tidy my room.

At first I was worried that I had caused her some grief by my little complaint about the trash can but she never mentioned it and I sure wasn't about to.  After she had finished making my bed (what a luxury hotel!) and emptying the trash, she was about ready to leave, but made a comment which caused a conversation to start.

She said, "You are really a very neat person.  There is so little to do and it is such a pleasure to take care of your room."

At this point in my post, I can actually hear my husband and my girls laughing big belly laughs at the thought of me being tidy.

So, just stop it!

So I thanked her and told her that this was the first time in my life to be alone for something that was so personal to me and explained just a bit about why I would be here for the week.  I could see that she got tears in her eyes as I was talking.

Then she said that she had buried her husband a number of years ago and just three years ago, her daughter died, leaving a one year old baby girl.  (I thought of my own 6 month old granddaughter) She then talked a little about her daughter and how she felt that her daughter had helped her locate an "Olaf" doll in the store a while ago.  She said, " It was the only thing my four year old granddaughter wanted for her birthday and I couldn't find it. As I searched I got lost in the store and then, in a place where I would never have looked, there it was!  It was on the shelf right in front of me.  It was a miracle."  She lowered her voice and said, "I know it was her."

Quietly, I said, "It's one thing to bury a spouse, but I can't even imagine if one of my girls passed away."  Then I remembered the day that my daughter's best friend was hit by a car in Boalsburg.

Kris and I stood in our driveway with one of our neighbors and prayed that the rumors were not true.  We prayed and cried out loud, to no avail.  She was 16 years old and she was gone.

It was in the days of walkman radios and she was walking with the earphones in, listening to music.  She didn't notice that the light was red, in front of her and tried to cross Rt. 322, when a car could not stop in time and hit her.  Her family was forever changed in that brief moment.

That's the thing about head injury too.  It is a family issue and not just an injury to that person.  So it was with Dan's injury.  Our whole family was hurt that night.  We had two young girls, who Dan and I promised to raise as our own.  This was not supposed to happen.

Well then, I told you to expect some "raw emotion" and I sure was feeling it yesterday.  I'm sorry if my words made you cry, my grandmother always said that sometimes a "good cry" was necessary.

Please remember as you go through this journey with me that I am processing all of this in a short time and that my current life is wonderful.  It is now filled with vacations and cruises and a new grandbaby who is the light of my life.  As I've always been told, "This too shall pass."

So, don't cry.  My story comes out just fine.  As I would tell my kids during violence in a movie...."It's only ketchup."

I'll end here so that I don't lose this while I write my next post about the rest of yesterday's events, while looking for Dan's grave and meeting up with my former sister-in-law for the first time in 17 years.

The Real Cathy