My cousin, Donna, and the rainbow

Since writing and sharing about that horrible moment at the hospital, yesterday, it seemed to me that I had dug a hole in the "pity" realm and it would be difficult to climb out.  This writing was so negative in my thoughts that I contemplated giving up this blog altogether.

As a kid, I couldn't even watch Lassie movies because I knew there would be crying and crisis and drama all the way through.  I tried to tell myself that the ending would be happy, but I just could not deal with the drama.

So, how was I ever going to verbalize what I needed to, without seeming like a victim?  There were some funny things that happened while Dan was recovering and I could write about them.  I may still write about some of the funny stuff.

However, I know that over all, I do not want to live those eleven years of pain over again.  My kids don't need to relive those years because I tried to protect them from the pain while it happened.  And my immediate family doesn't even know some of the stuff that went on, because I did not tell them.  After all, they were dealing with their own stories.  So, what was this writing thing all about?

Why did I feel compelled to come all the way to Wisconsin?  What was it that I needed to say about my life and the pain that this drunk driver put into our lives?  I really didn't know where this was headed.

So, I put up the keyboard and stopped writing for the night.  I did some "retail therapy" and then drove to the cemetery to clean off the headstones!  After all, the baby needed some Oshkosh B'Gosh and the stones needed to be spiffy for the service Friday morning!!

The skies were angry as I drove Rt. 41 to 47 north to Shawano.  Fast moving clouds and storms were in the area with dark clouds to the East.  Then, if I turned around there was blue sky to the West with puffy white clouds moving quickly.  I'm not used to seeing so many miles in 360 degrees around me.  At home, mountains cut off the view for the most part.

After I parked and before I entered the Oshkosh B'Gosh store, I messaged my cousin, Donna.  I know that she is an avid reader and would be able to critique my blog, as I knew she was following it.

My message read, "Hi - I was wondering if you had a chance to read my posts and what do you think?  I need a reader to critique.  Am I doing anything wrong, am I doing anything right?  What do you think?"

The message did not come right away but then after shopping, I received from her, the message that I came all this way to hear.

From her message, I learned that I didn't come here only to write my story.  I came here to prove to myself that it did take strength to get through my life.  It made me realize that I came to Dan's hometown to push away, to bury and to pulverize the extreme guilt that I have carried with me for the seventeen years since I left my husband in 2000.

All those years, I said to myself, "If he is like this next year, I'll have to leave."  Then I heard the little voice in my head, "In sickness and in health, until death do you part."

One by one, I counted off the years to eleven, and each year I stuck it out one more time.  I did this because of stories of people whose spouse was injured or lost limbs or became paralyzed and then the comments from people who said, "If that happened to my spouse I would stay with them for sure.  How could anyone leave their spouse because of an accident, when they are disabled?"

I even made a speech one day at Calvary Baptist Church Sunday School about how Satan was NOT going to pull my family apart.  I would stand by Dan forever because of my vows, before God and in public.  The minister also had me talk to the Sunday congregation about Jonah and my experience with the accident.

Have you ever heard someone say, "Get away from all negative people.  Just put them out of your life."  How do you do that when it is your spouse?

I found myself hoping and praying that he would leave me because, then people couldn't say that I left a sick man.

But then, even after telling the whole church I would, I couldn't stay forever.  One day I melted and broke.  Mentally and physically, I was exhausted, I was human and I gave up.

I walked out the door and went to my parents home.  In fact he drove me there because we only had one vehicle.

From that day, for the next seventeen years, I felt so much guilt that I started to complain to whomever would listen about his treatment of me.  I told the story over and over again about the accident.  I had to turn away from the love I still had for him.  I had to make him my enemy because otherwise, people would talk and blame me for walking out on him.

I had an emotional/mental breakdown.  You've heard of "functioning alcoholics", well, I was a "functioning emotional wreck".  I was even laid off from a job at Penn State because, I was causing a morale decline in our office, as I came in and cried at my desk most mornings.  Employers especially do not understand clinical depression.

When I came out of Oshkosh B'Gosh, there was a reply from my cousin.

In Donna's reply to me she said, (written with permission) "Yes, I am reading them.  It would be easier to critique if it were fiction.  This is your life, your journey and should be written as your thoughts and feelings flow.  If this were fiction, I would tell you that so far I love it, you're holding my interest.  There's laughter and deep sadness and I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter.  But this is the real Cathy, real life.  I want to hug you.  I want to tell you how incredibly brave you are.  I want to tell you how sorry I am.  I want to tell you how proud of you I am.  So I guess I'm trying to tell you that your words are having a deep impact on me and that is what a good writer does.  I'm not qualified to grade you on the mechanics of your writing.  One of the lines that really stood out to me and I loved was the one about "the tapestry of our lives being torn into pieces"  Not sure if I quoted it exactly.  You are a very talented writer and I hope that someday you will write that novel.  Until then, may you find the peace you deserve and the release of any undeserved guilt that writing this blog can give you.  I know this isn't the reader's critique you were looking for.  Just know that you have my support and encouragement.  You go girl. I love you."

After reading her reply, of course I choked up, this was a week for sudden tears and that always makes me SO mad.  I want to talk when I'm being emotional but sometimes the tears just flow and words won't come out.  I thought about what she said on my trip to Kohl's, my next shopping destination.

As I traversed the store, it dawned on me that I didn't come here to write the negative things. Nor did I come to make amends with Dan for leaving him.  I came here to free myself of the burden of guilt that I carried for leaving him.

Logically, I know I've been forgiven by God.  As a Christian, I know that I'm not perfect but that I am forgiven.  However, I find it easier to forgive others of transgressions against me, than to forgive myself for the stupid/awful things I've done in this life.

I believe in signs and wonders.  I've had a few signs that God has sent my way over the years. But I was floored when I came out of the Kohl's store.

There before me, was a complete rainbow.  A covenant that God made between Him and His people, that He would never again destroy the Earth.  Rainbows have a special meaning for me.

Thanks to my cousin, Donna, and God's rainbow sign, I learned why I made this pilgrimage.

This won't be the final writing in this blog, after all.  It is, however, a turning point for what I'll be writing about.  I hope to hold your attention and give you some things to laugh at, as well as, some things to ponder in your life.  I will write more about the memorial service that happened this morning because it confirmed my beliefs and was a very pleasant experience.

Godspeed,
The Real Cathy