It was a beautiful day in Wisconsin on Friday, August 18, when we laid Dan's mother to rest. It was neither too hot, nor too cold and the blue sky embraced some beautiful puffy white clouds. It was a lot like the weather in a beautiful dream I'll tell you about a little later.
Her ashes were placed in the grave with his Dad and right next to Dan's plot. It was a very private ceremony, performed by a minister from Saint James Lutheran Church, the church where Dan grew up. He also went to school at Saint James Lutheran School until eighth grade.
Although five of us were there to celebrate and place the ashes of his mother, it felt to me as though I were there to celebrate and bury the man I had married in 1974. It was difficult to talk for those tears kept coming back.
You see, some time after the accident, as his brain healed; Dan's heart hardened and he became a very depressed and angry, paranoid man. I didn't recognize him most days, worried about him other days and was afraid of him in the last days before I left, but I was married to this person.
His physical body passed away on August 5, 2006 (there's that month again) but my husband really died on August 23, 1989, when he was injured by that drunk driver. It just took a very long time for me to recognize this, as I tried to bring my husband back to life over those eleven years, post accident.
This day in August, was a day for me to remember the good and mourn the loss of the man I married when I was such a young twenty year old and he was the handsome, dashing Corporal in the USMC.
So many cliches come to mind during times of crisis and through the aftermath....
"The Lord never gives you more than you can handle."
"It's not how many times you get punched down, it's how many times you get back up".
"People who have loved ones by their side, heal best and fastest".
I don't doubt that these things are true and I've held on to them during difficult times, but I get SO TIRED OF HEARING THEM!
Tears come to my eyes from time to time, as I believe (but don't want to believe) that all of us (my kids, me and Dan) would have been far better off, had Dan's life ended that night on Bailey Lane. Now, isn't that a fine thing for a wife to say of her husband's demise?
The difference is that we would not be the same people we are today, had we not had to be strong through this crisis and beyond. Would that be a bad thing? I don't know and "You can't turn back time", so I guess we will never know.
When talking about cliches, it was common for me to utter this one about someone I love dearly: "He has the patience of Job". But, I had no Earthly idea about the patience of Job. I had not read the book. I had only heard the cliche and thought it was a good thing.
After I read the book, I won't utter that phrase about anyone I care about, again. "Don't pray for patience." The kind of patience that Job had was not the kind of patience you need while waiting in rush hour traffic. It wasn't the kind of patience that you need when getting ready for a visit to the dentist or doctor and it certainly wasn't the kind of patience you have right before losing your cool and punching something.
First of all, in the story of Job, God, Himself, brought the Devil's attention to Job because he was such a good and faithful man. Really??? Being a good guy gets you time with Satan? Well, you should read that book it sure makes you scratch your head for what he endures.
At any rate, the ending is where God gives Job back ten times what Satan took from him. So, it is a good ending, but a severe test of Faith and not patience, in my mind. Don't wish the "patience of Job" on anyone that you care about.
I promised that I would tell you about a beautiful dream I had so remember that I married this man because I loved him deeply. For the first fifteen years we were very happy. We had issues as others do, but we were happy.
On August 17, 1974, before God and witnesses, Dan and I made a commitment to each other that we would remain together until death do us part. My personal guilt, these last seventeen years, was that I could not physically stay with him and in 2000, I walked out of the relationship.
At that time, Dan moved back to Wisconsin to live with his Mother and Sister. He had to have someone close to help him day to day. It wasn't ideal but it was what had to be at the time.
I never saw him after the day in August 2000, that I asked him to go with me to counseling, in order to save whatever we had left of the marriage.
He said, "I'm not going to tell anyone what I've been doing."
That was my queue to leave.
I'm finding that I have to start with the ending and write about things out of order. Wow - "out of order" - that is sure what our life became after the accident.
On the day Dan died in 2006, I was alone in my apartment in Alexandria, VA and I had a very uneasy feeling that day. Remember we had been estranged for six years by this point.
While I was watching TV that morning, suddenly I became very nervous and felt cold and hot at the same time. Starting at my toes and working it's way through my body, I wondered if I was having a heart attack. I wanted to run and laugh and then I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I was totally out of control for about two minutes.
Then it was over.
I felt peaceful and sat on the couch for a while, just wondering what had just happened.
About fifteen minutes later, as I was still sitting on the couch, my daughter called and said, "Mom, Daddy is gone."
I asked her where he had gone and she said that he had passed away earlier that morning as he was getting out of bed. They suspected a heart attack. At that point I suspected that his "energy" or "spirit" had just visited me to pull away from me forever. We were no longer one in the spirit.
Nearly a month later, as I was sleeping, there came a very vivid dream. This dream will never pass from my memory.
The weather was beautiful, just like the day of the memorial service. The sky was a deep blue and the clouds were white. I was standing on a knoll of green grass, probably alfalfa, that went on as far as I could see to my left and down the knoll in front of me.
Off to my right was a large red barn with white trim and a silver roof. Close by to the barn was a pasture with Holstein cows (the black and white ones). It was as beautiful as a picture and then I heard someone coming.
When I looked back to my left, coming up the hill was a darkened figure but I could tell by the very recognizable gate in his walk that it was Dan.
He walked directly to me, never said a word and put his arms around me, giving me the nicest hug and the sweetest kiss that simply made me "melt". The feeling of peace that came over me was incredible and I did not want to wake up. As he let go his embrace he started walking toward that barn with the cows and I did wake up.
No... I didn't want to! Please let me go back to sleep and continue to feel that peace in my heart. But it was gone. He was gone.
Evermore, I will believe that it was Dan, visiting me in a dream to tell me that everything will be fine now. He is in his Heaven and happy. Was he also telling me that he forgives me for leaving? I will never know for sure, but that peaceful feeling will remain forever with me.
You see, farming was in Dan's heart and soul. He grew up with it and worked during our married life for a Holstein farmer. He always said, "There is no prettier color on the face of this Earth, than black and white on green."
Dan's happy place in Heaven is a dairy farm and I can picture him riding that tractor, singing as he goes to drown out the noise. Never having to worry about the accident ever again.
The Real Cathy.
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